In one of my other posts I stated that all life is, is a series of choices we make. Choices and mistakes that mold and shape us into who we are today. The most regrettable part of this process is that we cannot learn from mistakes that we have not yet made, and most unfortunately people sometimes do not learn even after they have made a mistake. I have been spending the past few months of my life trying to learn from my mistakes as I realized that no matter what has been done to you, part of what happens is your response. You cannot blame the new people in your life for what has been done to you in the past. You cannot expect them to understand. In the end of my marriage, as I was desperately trying to let go of the wrongs he had done to me, I read a zen teaching, a meditative phrase that I wish I was able to put into practice in my everyday life. “If you learn to let go a little, you will have little peace. If you learn to let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” I do not remember who this quote was from, but they are very wise. I cannot move forward with my life and grab onto something new if my hands are full of things from the past. So I stumble forward in life, making the same mistakes I have made in the past. Have I yet learned my lesson? I hope I have. Maybe you have too.
Big Mary
Bringing up my grandmother in my last post has flooded my brain with memories. How much I miss her cannot be conveyed with words. Her name was Mary also, and regardless of the fact that I was a good 6″ taller than her I was always referred to as little Mary, and she was big Mary. She was the matriarch of our small family. She was a registered nurse, and was the most caring, kind, gentle and nurturing person I have ever known. The world lost a great person the day she passed. I remember how my heart broke when she went. She was a mother to me, as my mother was not. She taught me manners, how to wash the moulding, how to make an antipasto, how to keep a house, how to be gentle and loving. How to transplant plants and shrubs. She taught me how to make her famous meatballs and sauce at a very young age. I must have been 4 when a picture was taken of me standing on a chair at the counter rolling meatballs to be fried for dinner that Sunday evening. Never breadcrumbs Mary she said, italian bread ALWAYS. Thats the secret, thats what makes them the best.
She was the best cook anyone had ever met, friends and neighbors always wanted to come to our house for dinner. Mary’s cooking! Let’s go eat! She always cooked enough for twice the amount of people that would be there for dinner because she always said, there must always be enough for everyone to have seconds, leftovers and unexpected drop ins. Grilled london broil medium rare rubbed with oil, salt, pepper and garlic, baked potatoes. Fried flounder fillets and wax beans in tomato sauce. Roasted potatoes, pork chops. Spaghetti, meatballs and a simple salad. She was everything I wanted to become. She became a nurse so she could help people, care for them and make a difference in their lives. At the end of her career at LIJ she was head of Quality Assurance, she taught the new nurses how to do things the right way. That was something she always stressed to me. Some people just don’t know how to do things the right way, but if you can teach them, you have done something good. My grandfather, bless his heart. She always said some men don’t know how to be a husband or a father. They need to learn. You can teach them. I taught your grandfather. And they were happy, they loved each other and cared for each other into their dying days. But he would make her spit out a string of Italian expletives when he upset her that we would always try to catch and learn what she was saying. She would never repeat what she said for us though, lol. She swore she didn’t speak Italian.
Some people you cannot teach how to be a good person, or the person that can make you happy. Some people are not willing to learn. So you find someone that you can. Someone that will learn what makes you happy and avoid what makes you sad. Someone that you can make happy. That is what life is about, being happy. I want to be happy when I grow up.
Sinatra
I was in my sisters kitchen, cooking or baking who knows which, as I was almost always cooking and or baking. I was listening to my new CD that i had just gotten at Barnes & Noble, a double disc set of Frank Sinatra’s Love Songs. That really was a long time ago, I must’ve still been working there at the time which means I was about 21-22 yrs old. An image of being older and happy popped into my brain, I was in the kitchen with the one, cooking together and listening to Frank Sinatra. We were dancing, drinking wine and laughing. That’s perfect to me I told my sister. That’s my soulmate. The one who will cook with me, drink wine and dance in the kitchen to Frank Sinatra. My grandmother, was an old italian love. Food was love, you put love into the food you prepare, then you eat the food with the ones you love. Sharing a meal is extremely important. The kitchen is the most important room in the house to me, that is where my heart is. In the kitchen, with Frank Sinatra.
Ugly Inside
Humans are ugly, filthy detestable creatures. Most of us are selfish, focusing on our own needs and wants instead of thinking of whats right, whats for the greater good. This behavior turns people into uncaring, ugly people. You don’t truly see the ugly in most people until you live with them. Some people are so ugly inside that they cannot help but show it on the outside. But for most people, they have learned to put on the act, the falsity of caring and being good at heart, at least somewhat. When you see them everyday and live in the same space- you can really see the ugly. Living with someone is difficult. You are no longer making space for your toothbrush in the cabinet, but theirs as well. You are no longer the only one responsible for the dishes, the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the yard work, and errands. You now share this responsibility and divvy it up between the two. When you don’t establish a routine, a schedule of who does what and when, people start to neglect their duties and more and more of the household duties fall on the one who will just pick up the slack. The biggest mistake a man can make is decide that all the household duties belong to the woman, they are womanly duties and below him. Sharing a household means you share the responsibilities, you never leave the other one to handle everything alone. You begin to regret your decision to live with them, you begin to feel used and resent them. The more time you spend on the chores, the less time you have for yourself and to spend with them. But selfishly, they have more time for themselves and their needs.
In my home when growing up I was raised that the family helped family. Grandma cooked, because Grandpa messed up Rice a roni lol. Grandpa did the dishes, and Grandma put the food away. Grandpa did the laundry. Grandma would clean, but Grandpa would vacuum. He always had one hand holding his pants up and a Pall Mall hanging out of his mouth. How many times i watched him ash on the floor and vacuum it up while he was cleaning. They both went grocery shopping together. They did the yard work together, always working on each task together until it was completed. Then they would sit and rest, enjoy each others company, a cold beer and a nosh.
Times have changed, and not for the better I think. More and more people are not getting married until quite late in life. They are waiting to have children until they are “ready”- meaning they have a house partially paid off, two cars paid off and a substantial savings. Selfishly wanting to live life, go out, have no restrictions by children. Leaving parents paying for college well into their retirement, the time to sit back and relax. Watch your children get married and have children of their own, their own families to pass down your well instilled values and teachings. The time to spend with your loved one at the end of your lives. When do we live they say, when they are young and can enjoy it. When are we ready? Not really ever to be honest. No one wants restrictions, no one wants responsibilities. Just live selfishly and wait. Wait until it never happens or when it does it is too late.
Here I sit, same as ever
I feel no stories coming to the surface, no pondering thoughts of sadness for love lost. No digging for resolution or what ifs about my life. Just me. It’s momentarily quiet inside my usually chaotic mind. I’m basking in the quiet zen, feeling spent and at peace with my life and my choices. All we are is a series of choices. Choices that effect our lives and change who we are. Ive spent the last 3 weeks torturing myself inside my head and then on this blog. What i did wrong and all of my poor decisions, how those choices were self centered, driven by my own inability to let go and let people be who they are. I feel this immense sense of relief, this weight lifted from me. I was able to work through and come to resolution with my decisions. I was able to get past what was done and in focusing on the good from them and how i could have done things differently, had an epiphany. A breakthrough.
I am happy with myself. I have come to feel wiser, i have come to see how foolish we all can be when we focus on our selfishness, allowing ourselves to be drawn into the bitter cycle of focusing on our selves and our pain. Did you know that by actively choosing not to get angry, you can rewrite the pathways in your brain to become a calmer person? It must be true for other behaviors as well. I wrote pages upon pages of stories on this blog. It really was excellent therapy. It forced me to work through what was plaguing me so adversely and after much consideration, i finally feel good. Thank you life. Thank you for teaching me such an important lesson. I feel that im a much better person now because of it. Time to sleep. 🙂
Oh please, don’t start that again….
All you need is love, love is just a game…
In a world where true love is destroyed beyond repair. In a world that feels like a cruel alternate dimension. That is the world where I live today. This isn’t my life! This isn’t me!!!! I want to go HOME!!!! In this world I dream. I dream of the days before my life was destroyed. I dream back to days of happiness, smiles, loving eyes and kissing lips. Holding hands and soul locked gazes. I am nothing now but an empty, hollow shell. Everybody says “shut the f@ck up, get back on the truck.” It’s not the end of the world. Well to me it is. He was my world, my soulmate, and in it I am alone now, as I have been lifetimes before. In this world I let my own weeds infiltrate my garden.
“Are you a flower or a weed”
I was the weed in my own garden. This is not about what he did to me, but what I did wrong. Be that as it may, it always takes two to make a relationship as well as it takes two to break it. I don’t want to focus on what he did to me, because I focused on that for 9 years. Instead, maybe I should have focused on what I could have done to change the situation or accept it for what it was. Instead of time after time, “You did!” “You were wrong!” “Why did YOU?!” I should have been saying What’s wrong with me? Why am I so hurt? It doesn’t really matter! None of it really mattered. None of it was really so bad. Hindsight really is a bitch.
I read on facebook today a friends quote:
“Before you get upset, first think of whether or not your expectations were realistic.”
That is one of the best pieces of advice I can think of at this moment for anyone in any relationship. Also there is:
Love each other, like there is no tomorrow.
Because for me, there isn’t one. Imagine the next day that person you are angry at or hurt by is gone. GONE. Gone from your life tomorrow.
No more kisses. No more “Love you Darlin’ “. No more “you’re the best baby”. No more warm hand to hold that feels perfect holding yours. No more warmth in bed, rolling over and pressing your bodies close together, him grasping your hand and pressing it to his heart, every night. Every night for 9 years. GONE. Because for years you just beat on each other emotionally. I should have treated him like his heart was made of glass, and he should have treated me the same. I cherished his love, his companionship, his smile, his words, his thoughts, his smell, his dirty clothes on the floor, the twinkle in his eyes, the words that came out of his mouth, his thoughts, his heart, his soul, his mess on the table, in the bookshelves and anywhere else he left it. Because it being there, meant he was there. Now there is no more.
Realize what you have before it is gone. Don’t be STUPID.
No matter how far down the wrong path you may have traveled, you can always turn around and go back the way you came. Well I have begun my journey back down that road. Alone.
my frozen blueberry 